31 funniest Christmas Quotes

1. Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
– Andy Borowitz

2.“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
– Victor Borge

3.“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
– Melanie White

4.“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
– Dave Barry

5.“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
– Don Marquis

6.“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”
– Bridger Winegar

7.“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
– Garrison Keillor

8.“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
– Winston Spear

9.“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
– Kin Hubbard

10.“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”
– Lenore Hershey

11.“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
– Bridger Winegar

12.“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”
– Anne Bristow

13.“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”
– Catherine Tate

14.“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
– Arlo Guthrie

J.K. Rowling
15.”One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.”

Melanie White
16.”Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.”

17. At Christmas, play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year.” – Thomas Tusser

18. Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Author Unknown

19.“Christmas shopping. Never an easy or pleasant task.” -Harry in Love Actually

20.“Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.”

21. Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres

22.“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”— Charles M. Schulz

23.“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” — Craig Ferguson

24.”The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

25.“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear

26.“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

27.“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller

28. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

29.”The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson

30.”Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde

31. Dear Santa, This year, please give me a fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.